


Family

by nullvalue



Category: Bakemonogatari
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 13:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19273870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nullvalue/pseuds/nullvalue
Summary: after a rough day, kaiki comes home to a big surprise.insanely self-indulgent domestic fluff AU written as my birthday present to a very good friend.





	Family

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stevie (@osheeets)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=stevie+%28%40osheeets%29).



It wasn't a good day.

What should have been a surefire scheme fell through because I was noticed by one of my previous victims. It wasn't as though I could have predicted it; the man was from Chile, for crying out loud. But he saw me, the police got involved, and I lost a lot of money.

After finally talking my way out of police custody and avoiding another stint in prison, all I had the energy for was to drag my wretched body back to the houseboat where I had been staying. We would likely have to change towns again, when we had just gotten here. Irritating.

With a miserable trek through the rain, I eventually managed to reach the docks, and I could hear my bed practically screaming my name. I wanted to collapse. It took me three tries to get the key in the door, and I pulled it open like I had a grudge against it, immediately beelining for the bedro--

"SURPRISE!!!!!"

Oh, God. Why.

The lights came on, and my world became a mess of multicolor as loud SNAPs rang out from all around me, the two imbeciles I had the misfortune of living with setting off at least eight different party poppers and leaving me looking like a particularly festive Swamp Thing.

"Happy Birthday~" intoned Meme in a singsong voice, tossing his last popper aside and hurrying up to hug me. To say that I looked unamused would be akin to calling the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius 'a slight kerfuffle.' That didn't stop him from kissing all over my cheeks, my half-dead gaze sliding over to Ougi.

That shit-eating grin. She knew exactly what she was doing. I have never met a brat brattier than Oshino Ougi.

"Congratulations, Kaiki-ojisan," the creepy little monster chirped, scurrying up to strap a party hat to my head. "I can't believe you've finally turned 100."

"Not even close." Displeasure was rolling off my body in billowing clouds. Meme was still kissing my cheeks and nose and chin and lips, but I refused to let him win me over. "Meme... It isn't even my birthday."

"What? Yes it is." He gave me an odd look, pulling back a bit. "It's June 19th."

"No, my birthday is on--" Suddenly I flinched, stopping dead.

He was right.

I had been using false birthdays for so long, making sure I could recite them as naturally as possible, that I had actually forgotten my own. Meme had remembered the real date from all the way back in college.

"..." I was a little stunned. Ougi picked up on it instantly, putting a gloved hand to her mouth and snickering.

"Pff... Ojisan... could it be that you actually forgot your own--"

"Sorry. I thought it was past midnight." I pushed the little twerp aside, crossing over toward the dining table to swiftly change the subject. "How long have you been waiting for me?"

"Ages. We were kind of just playing Mario Tennis." Ougi had gotten him addicted to the Switch. He was getting even lazier than usual.

I stared down at the table, mildly speechless for a moment. It was decorated in mostly greys and blacks, aside from the extremely colorful banner reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEISHUN in bubble letters. The table itself was a mess of monochrome confetti, a couple of grey giftboxes, and a particularly crude caricature of myself set up like a funeral portrait. That would be Ougi's doing.

I'll admit, it was pretty funny. But I would never give her the satisfaction of laughing. She would get even worse.

"Do you like the decorations, Ojisan?" She was already fishing for it. 

"Yes. Very charming. I'm glad I can finally die."

"Not until you open your presents, you can't." Meme hovered around me like an excited puppy, eager to see me open the gift.

Well, he is my husband. Even if I was tired, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for tossing out all his effort. 

Hang in there a little longer, Kaiki. The sweet embrace of your favorite pillow will just have to wait.

I let out a raspy sigh, flopping down into the seat of honor and dropping my briefcase. "Very well, then. Let's get the festive torture over with."

"Yes!" Both of them fistpumped in unison, then high fived. I'm not jealous of how well they get along, just so you know. I don't think I'd have the lifeforce left in my ancient thirty-something bones for it. It's just cute to watch.

The larger, flatter one was from Ougi, so I opened it first, shrugging off my blazer and causing confetti to cascade off of me as I tore it open. Meme was kind enough to set out a rum and coke for me, which helped replenish me after having to spend any amount of time in the vicinity of a police officer.

The box lifted open, and-- ah. I had stumbled across knitting tools in the brat's room some time ago, but I had never seen her do it. Here was why. I lifted the extremely fluffy, extremely pink sweater from the box, regarding it impassively for a moment.

Upon the front was a big red heart containing three cartoonish faces, a mimicry of my usual doodling style. One blonde, one grumpy, one pallid and grinning. Beneath it were the words--

WORLD'S WORST UNCLE.

Oh no.

I tried valiantly to keep it in. I must have been tired, because all my years of carefully training my poker face crumbled all at once. It had taken me by surprise, and before I could stop myself, I burst out laughing. I don't think I've laughed that loud in years.

Ougi was quite obviously basking in her victory, and as faux-angry as I was to be bested, I knew she deserved it. She'd finally gotten me.

"I have to say, it was harder than I expected to copy your style, Ojisan." Ougi was smiling ear to ear, tilting her head and resting her cheek on her hand. "My first attempts were too good. It takes skill to draw as poorly as you."

"Thanks, I love you too." I held the sweater up a little longer, looking upon it with a hidden fondness. I was actually a little proud of her. She was learning well. Just don't tell her that.

I quickly made up my mind. I set the fluffy thing down, pulling off my tie and unbuttoning my shirt.

"Oya...?" Ougi blinked, slightly taken aback as I dressed down to my undershirt, sliding the garish sweater onto my head. 

"Suits me perfectly," I said with a completely straight face, taking a sip from my drink. Ougi was stunned by my power play.

You've still got a long way to go, kiddo.

"Open mine next!" yapped Meme excitedly, as though there were more than two presents on the table. I used my fingernails to slice it open; Meme had gotten into nail painting, and insisted on doing mine. I tried to shrug it off onto Ougi, but she has some thing about showing any skin under her neck, and I can respect that. So I was looking particularly stylish today with a colorful candy-like rainbow on each nail. 

I didn't dislike it.

"I couldn't let Ougi upstage me," Meme prefaced as I worked at the smaller box, hovering over my shoulder. "I saw she was making something, so I decided to try making something too."

"Variations on a theme," Ougi chimed in, having taken a seat beside me.

I finally got through the tape and pulled the box open, pulling out what looked like a largeish photo frame. I turned it over and was met with my own visage, much less cartoonish. No, this looked to have been done with ink and watercolor, and it was in painstaking detail. I'm ashamed to admit that I'd forgotten about Meme's artistic streak.

Like Ougi's, it was a portrait of the three of us. Meme and Ougi were depicted hugging me from either side, with Meme giving me a kiss on the cheek. He'd given me a faint, handsome smile, and on the bottom of the frame was written one word:

FAMILY.

Ougi's surprise attack must have loosened me up even more... no. Looking at this, I knew I couldn't think of it that way. I wore a ring on my finger. I couldn't just pretend to be indifferent forever... not that I was doing a good job of it. I could already feel the color prickling its way onto my cheeks.

"...Thank you, Meme." I'm sure you'll have a hard time believing it, but I spoke as sincerely as possible, looking over toward my husband and easily putting a smile on my face. He gave me his big, cute, goofy grin in return, before taking me by the chin and kissing me deeply on the lips.

Once he'd flustered me thoroughly enough he stood back up, fetching the guitar I'd bought him and taking a seat at my side opposite Ougi, strumming a calm and cheerful melody.

"Happy birthday, to you~" he crooned in his mediocre English, though his voice was handsome as ever. "Happy birthday... cool dude~" He was definitely making it up on the spot. "Happy birthday... you are thirty something... happy birthday... with your new family~"

It didn't rhyme, but it sounded good. Enough to bring some warmth to my cold, dead heart. Though something felt off-- there was a ritual one usually observed after the singing of such a song.

"...Shouldn't there be a cake?" I asked, peering around the room. There was a notable gap in the middle of the table, and Oshino cleared his throat suspiciously while Ougi was conveniently busy with her phone.

"We, uhm... we ate it." Wow. "You took a really long time and we got hungry..."

"You couldn't have eaten anything else?"

"It was a really good cake."

"..." I gave him a dead-eyed stare, and he flailed his arms defensively, quickly setting aside his guitar.

"I'll make it up to you! I'll... uhhh... I have another surprise for you instead!" Again, obviously winging it. He took my hand, hauling me up to my feet and tugging me toward the stairs. "It's, you know... in the bedroom.~" 

Ah. I opened my mouth, then closed it, casting a glance over at Ougi. "Err, Ougi-chan, you can just--"

She quickly waved me off, seeming totally disinterested. "I'll put my headphones on. Try not to hurt your old bones too much."

With that, Oshino yanked me up into the master bedroom, pushing me onto the bed and stripping me down before I could even take the party hat off.

It was, without exaggeration, the best birthday I've ever had.

For once... I was just happy.


End file.
